Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to
help everyone get along, restore some semblance of
justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe,
promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of
debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally
whiny, guilt-ridden delusionists, and other liberal, commie,
pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self
evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the
Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No
Rights.


ARTICLE I

You do not have the right to a new car, big screen color
TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if
you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.

ARTICLE II

You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for
everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn
the channel, express a different opinion, etc, but the
world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful.
Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all
of your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV

You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found,
and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly
growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation
of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V

You do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just
not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI

You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone,
don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill
you.

ARTICLE VII

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If
you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of
other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get
together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of
leisure.

ARTICLE VIII

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching
conscience. We hate repressive governments and won't
lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and
do not want to spend so much of our time battling each
and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny
hat.

ARTICLE IX

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want
you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard
times, but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an
American means that you have the right to pursue
happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
created by those around you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.